Meriya's World

Grounded for five days!!! :O

2010-07-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

Yeah i basically grounded myself for five days so i could go to the mall.
longish story but anyways it was worth it. the mall was pretty fun. marc was there. i think im getting used to being around him alittle more. its really really awesome that he is going to another school next year. i mean...it'll be wierd at first, not seeing him around anymore, but i think its going to help me foret about him and i can finally completley move on, and be happy again. so im kinda excited to get on with my life. :D
anyways at the mall i got to hang with him and jack and john and miranda. it was quite fun. we were benig SUCH dorks. mostley me tho :P
im also really excited to start drama club next year. I really think its going to be good for me and there are so many awesome people in drama club. like chase! :D and john and ian.
i went to johns 16th b-day party the other day. it was really cool.
i got to see chase for the first time since he has been back from california.
it was the fisrt time i had seen him since we were dating so it was kinda hard for me not to be able to like...idk. that part sucked. but anyways it was good to see him.
Hopefully sometime next week me amanda patrick and chase can hang out.
idk.
ill be going to florida on the 1rst of next month to the 15th.
i think it'll give me the chance to see how much im really gonna miss this place.
who knows....
its gonna be wierd being back around my dad again.....o.o

New Updates

2010-06-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

Changed background and music and what not XD
PSH.
done. (:
Amanda sherwood is my best friend in south carolina. we took this picture when we were out with her mom. that was a very fun
i cant believe im going to be in 10th grade next year!
hope its going to be better then last year.
i think it will, plus ill probably be in drama club.
YAY
this is random....
all my new music on my playlist,are all songs i can connect to.
make me over: i think courtney love is crazy awesome in a weird crazy way. and i like this song
Happy:i really dont like nsn a whole lot because it reminds me of marc, but i really do like this song. and trouble. :P
Who i am hates who i've been:heard this in church ((chaos)) in the 7th or 8th grade. i like it because theres ALOT of stupid things i do and have done in my past but im always trying to be a better person
Satalite heart: song i found from new moon, and it makes me think of marc.
Liar liar: always loved that song and i love the used. plus too many people in this world lie.
You'r gaurdian angel: song i dedicated to my friends in michigan. i love them.
You lost me: mine and marcs relationship
Not afraid: ive always loved eminem and this song is just empowering. i love it

How im feelin about you.. >:|

2010-05-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

I'm over your lies,
and I'm over your games.
I'm over you asking me,
when you know I'm not okay.
You call me at night,
and I pick up the phone.
And then you be telling me,
I know your not alone.
ohh..

Thats why
(your eyes)
I'm over it
(your smile)
I'm over it
(realize)
I'm over it
I'm over it
I'm over..

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, its my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

I'm over your hands,
and I'm over your mouth.
Trying to drag me down,
and fill me with self-doubt.
ohh..

Thats why,
(your words)
I'm over it
(so sure)
I'm over it
(i'm not your girl)
I'm over it
I'm over it
I'm over...

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, its my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

Don't call,
don't come by,
ain't no use,
don't ask me why,
you'll never change,
there'll be no more crying in the rain.

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, its my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

I'm so over it....
I'm over it....

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, its my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

Happy?

2010-04-13T19:37:00.000-07:00

sweet agony finally takes its break from me,
i sigh a long breath of relief and look up to the sky smiling.
everything is ok now
please let it stay this way for a long time
could i be happy?

Laugh now cry later.......Or perhaps theres no need to cry at all. :)

2010-04-12T19:24:00.000-07:00

Over the last few months things have been.....crazy...
i never thought i would make it through...:/ i didnt know if i would ever fully recover.
sometimes i really do still wonder.
but i have this new best friend nammed amanda. ^-^ she is the jelly to my peanut butter!!
her and i have been able to get really close after going through things together
and i really do think that with out her i wouldnt be doing as well as i am now.
we helped each other through some rough times. and i know i can lean on her and she knows she can lean on me.
latley things have been going really well. i mean life always has its ups and downs.
but why should i complain?
amanda and her best friend patrick are probably going to hook up soon and its unbeleivably cute! its like seriously watching a love story and i have been telling her all along that they should be together. EVERYONE sees it. except for her.
and me....ive actually found someone myself...:)
yes his name is chase. i always sorta had a little thing for him but nothing too big.
but then i got to hang out with him more over the break. he just does the cutest little things that make me go awwww inside. and he is really sweet.
i "married" him at the bowling ally at 1:01 am. april 11,2010
lol it was quite fun.
im really hoping things go well with chase because im thinking hes going to help me get over my past and have a good relationship again.
i suppose only time will tell ^-^
im alsot STILL in touch with friends with Michigan
which makes me feel really good.
because i guess it is true that true friends never really fall apart.
im actually hopefully going to be talking to ramon tonight again
and hopefully tyler soon.
theres other like lucas erin brandon tyler shep, aaron b....ect ect
and all this stuff added up just makes me feel good and gives me the strength to keep moving forward..
im not going to lie...im afraid of the future and im afraid of....welll alot of things.
but im getting stronger and stronger, plus i have all my friends to lean on.

Going Insane

2010-03-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of having to see his face,i hate it when they all say "oh he is so amazing i love that guy hes so cute!!"
i just want to punch him in the face!!
there is nothing great or cute about him!!!!!
hes a stupid ugly compulsive liar.
im sick of all this and so tired of it, i just want to scream.
what am i supposed to do?!?! he is everywhere i turn and i just want to get away from him.
i want to get over him.
he doesnt even care about me and he TOOK everything i had.
why did this have to happen to me?!?!
i didnt deserve all this stupid shit. >:|
its just not fair, how am i supposed to ever trust someone again?
i put all of my trust and love into him and he screwed me over.
what now?!?!?!
im so tired of all of this. i want to move on. i wish he never existed. >.<
ugh...im just so stressed. im not even the same person anymore.
i have to fake being happy, and try to ignore all the shit.
i dont want to be in this place anymore. i really dont.

Its Sunday

2010-03-07T16:35:00.000-08:00

The weekend flew by faster than ever, i knew it would.
I had alot of fun, went to see alice in wonderland with a bunch of awesome friends, hung out with josh ALOT, and went to the isle of palms. but now that it is sunday night i am back to my depressed mode. ):
school is my worst nightmare. my grades fall so quickly that i dont even have the motivation to attempt to rise them. its not like its going to work.
yes, i have friends at school....but not very many and no one close. no one thats always there.
i sit around 20 to 30 people or more and feel absolutley alone.
i know more than half of them talk crap about me behind me back.
i wish i could run away from it all. but i cant. and even though i feel completley and utterly useless and depressed. I have to put on my best fake smile, and get some work done.
i hate having to go through this, but ive learned alot of lessons.
like, the only person that will be there for you for the rest of your life....is yourself. so love yourself. and do the best you possibly can.

And after all of this crap that is going on, josh is moving this comming friday.
he has to be one of the most amazing people ive ever met. always has a smile on his face, and he does everything he can to make people around him happy. i dont know what i am going to do without josh ):
i feel so empty and so alone. life is so difficult ryt now.
and one of the worste parts is that marc doesnt care about me anymore...at all
he is so happy without me. he never even ONCE said, Meriya i am sorry for hurting you.
not once :(

God help me.

2010-03-02T05:09:00.000-08:00

After all is said and done, i am the only one who ends up hurt. everyone else goes on in life with a smile, even marc. not me. im left with agony, depression and heartbreak. i feel so alone sometimes. everytime i think about him i just want to actually die to escape the pain. i keep thinking why did this happen. and then i guess its because marc started to hate me. ive been doing really stupid things latley and thinking really stupid thoughts. im only getting myself into deeper shit tho. i have a feeling this is going to take a very long time to get over and that doesnt help my mood.
i pray to god that he help me forget about marc. and then i start crying again.
i cant ever control myself from crying, everywhere i go it all just comes out. i feel so embaressed.
i wish god had the power to erase or help forget.
i wish god had the power to go back in time and help marc decide not to cheat on me.
i wish MARC really loved me. but since he really didnt
i wish I wouldnt have beleived his lies. dear god please help me. i need you right now because i am dead inside. please help bring me back to life. please help me to be happy again.

Couldnt do it if i wanted to..........

2010-02-17T14:57:00.000-08:00

What if i deleted every single one of my friends from michigan off of myspace....
I just have been starting to feel so stupid and pathetic, with missing them so much. i feel like i think about them to much. its making me hopelessly miserable and not only that but they've all pretty much moved on and forgotten about me. They have new friends that have filled my place. but this is good. i suppose..
I mean, im definatley happy in south carolina.!!! but theres this huge.....hole in me.
sometimes in my mind im still living in michigan when im talking to my friends and then i snap back into reality and it hurts.
i never thought i would leave so soon. then on one random day my dad got a call for this amazing job in florida...within a month i was gone. right now it feels like a big bleeding cut that wont freaking HEAL!

i feel like if i deleted everyone then maybe id forget about them and i wouldnt feel so stupid or feel that pain anymore.
but i just dont think i could do that........ :( :(

I Never know what to write for a title!!.......O.O

2010-02-16T13:50:00.000-08:00

just got home from school., and hangin out with josh. hes finally dating miranda whoo hoo. :D i hope it works out. today was.....frusterating....-.- but for some reason im feeling alright now. i guess. untill i think about how much my mom makes me mad. >.> ugh i dont even want to go there. its just arguing over a lost cause!! and it just makes me even more angry. ive been trying the thing where you count to ten when your angry. it kinda works when i actually remember to stop and start counting. valentines day was really fun :] it was the first v-day where i felt like i actually had a valentine. xP and i got a teddy bear! i Also got to see RENT live and wow that was so fun. so im still having trouble with the whole being depressed and grouchy thing sometimes...and it really sucks. i wish i really knew how to change it. things havent been that bad though. ive actually been doing pretty good latley. really trying to get my grades up. i just wish there wasnt such a thing as homework tho! lol i still miss tyler every now and then. which in a way is kinda good because i dont want to forget about him :/ the tv woke me up playing one of our old songs the other day and it made me sad. :[ but idk. im just really glad were still friends and i mean, thats all i want. still think about ramon to... i feel sad to have to let go of my friends in MI and i obviously really dont want to. Erin is starting to give up on me,... i can tell. but lucas told her that just because im not there anymore doesnt mean were not still and always will be best friends. i told her that to but she doesnt listen.... it makes me sad to have to loose my friends., they just mean so much to me. I was thinking the other day about how you can never depend on anybody, except for yourself. thats when i was upset, and i kinda believe its true sometimes. depending on somebody whether it be a friend or a boyfriend, or a family member just sets you up to get let down. like there not always going to be there right by your side, to hold you up. idk..... THIS is a video i took from my cell of the play RENT. its one of my favorite songs in the play. the picture REALLY sucks but i still think its awesome because you can still here the actors singing. its at a part where they are in a circle talking about dealing with aids and when you watch it and listen to it. the song gives you goosebumps.

This one is another one of my definate favs in the play. "La Vie Bohem" you can see where the guy who plays mark slips while he tries to jump up on the table. i was like awww. lol but he was a really awesome actor and a great singer. he totally did a great job.

GAHHHH!

2010-01-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

I am at marcs house right now with everyone
(cheyene veronica, marc and his little NOSEY brother) :)
things have been doing pretty okie dokie latley. ive been hanging out with my really awesome friend JOSH alot latley. im really glad that him and i became friends because hes very chill, and hes like a breathe of fresh air.
i am still dating marc yey. hes also pretty fantastic =P
going back to school tomarow......sadly..
school is a big frusteration. but im sure it will pay off in the long run, o.O hopefully...

January

2010-01-12T08:47:00.001-08:00

its 2010 yay. iguess lol
just passing time for me basicly. im at marcs house today hanging out for a while waiting for cheyene to wake up...
just felt like adding a quick postive been doig pretty good for the most part latley....; L8R

DECEMBER

2009-12-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

SO i had this dream....
i left South Carolina in a hurry back to Michigan. first i was with my dad and he was yelling at me and making me clean everything. then i went to see a few of my friends,tyler herrman alexandra and ramon(idk why it was just them but i cant control what i dream) they were all really happy to see me. and was glad to be with them again. but i was still aggravated at the fact that i had to deal with my dad , and then i relized that most all of my really awesome friends like thos three wouldnt even be going to the same school as me. and i also remembered that since i was in such a hurry to leave SC that i never said goodbye to my new friends. then everything kinda just hit me and i started crying. i thot to myself why did i want to come back so bad when i was so miserable??? not only that but i was never going to see my NEW friends again....
so then i woke up and i relized i was still in south carolina.
the dream helped me see that my new friends are important too and i love them ^_^
it isnt so bad here and i can find a way to be happy.
however i still miss my old friends VERY VERY much. i day dream about them in class and at home almost everyday.
i wont give up on trying to come visit them!!
the pic is me with marc and alec. marc is one of the ppl i would deffinatley miss the most if i left. and alec is superly awesome too!! they are both great to hang out with, and deff. my best friends.

Oficially November.

2009-11-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

I like south carolina. :] it has nice weather for the most part and i have a good social life so far. im trying as best i can to stay on everyones good side so i dont have anyones problems. and i KNOW ofcorse you cant please everybody but thats when you just smile keep your mouth shut and walk away. Even though i like it here very much i stilllll miss home. altho it seems ill never get to go back and visit. ugh. idk why its so hard for me to let go of but it just is and i cant change it.
i need to find my happy place. i still havent exactly found it yet....=\ im sure to ppl reading this they dont really understand what i mean by that but i need my happy place.
i keep telling my mom to get me some "happy pills" but she like keeps ignoring me. idk whatever......ill just keep acting like a bitch.

Hellooo Helloooo

2009-10-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

I just randomly decided to make a new post. because tyler was complaining about how i havent made one in a long time.
haha. lol
well my hommcoming was last night. it was pretty fun!! i totally have school spirit for my new high school. being a freshman is annoying sometimes. x.x but its kinda kool.
im glad im finally in highschool.
ive been really upset latley. because my mom said i cant visit michigan on christmas break. thats really not kool. but i told her i didnt want anything else for christas. and even though i know i probly cant go. im still going to say i dont want anything. because i Ddont i mean i dont even care that the new harry potter movie is comming out. and if you knew me. you would relize that i must REALLY want to go to MI. SO while being here in south carolina. ive made alot of new friends. they are pretty awesome ^_^
one is my best friend marc.(in the pic above) were like super close. i always steel his slipknot sweater!!! lol ^_^
hes my emo buddy heheheh!!!!! :P
i have other awesome friends too that i just randomly met and started hanging out with. :D

high school

2009-08-21T14:10:00.001-07:00

high school is big! lol like wooooow
its kool so far but i havent gotten real close to annyone yet so that suxx.. no one knows me real well.
im waiting for things to settle down , and trying to get used to the school.
igess ill se what happens..........o.o

hey

2009-08-06T11:14:00.000-07:00

hi, good day today =]
so far....
i know im going to be so bored later....i always am. i cant wait for school but im so scared o.o
its been so long since ive had to walk into a school not knowing a single person there. im used to having friends. ill feel so out of place >.< it seems like since i want school to get here its purposly taking that much longer. its driving me insane.
ive gotten so much more into rock now =D i love it and i love drving down the road having it blasting so the whole world can hear it ^-^ its pretty fun specialy when you got big speakers. haha
ill write more later byeeee

..ummm idk

2009-08-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

im sitting here on myspace talking to my friend and wondering if tylers ever going to talk to me =/
im not sure what im going to do yet today. probly practice some skateboarding, and maybe take some more pics for myspace. =P
i dont know why ive been feeling kinda better latley but im sure glad i am......i was freakin out the past two days and i was miserable -.- ={
but for some reason right now im alright. im so happy cuz i actually fell asleep last night.
usually im on he phone or i just cant get to sleep and im crying...alot.
i cant wait for school to start. Goose creek high school looks really small and stuff but they seem nice. i know im going to be terrified on my first day. its been so long since i have walked into a school where absolutley no one knows me. its so scarey to me. ill be freaking out. but before the first day i have a testing day on the 12th and a freshman orientation on the 14th. the orientation will probly be the scarey part cuz thats my first day around all the other students....or the 12th idk but yeah w/e.
atleast here i have no reputation or anything. im the new kid so i have a new start. which is kinda kool. i know ill make new mistakes that'll just give me new reputations.
my old ones were like..emo,girl that goes out with gay guy, kissy face, or slut.
none of them were verey nice but i ignored it cuz i also had alot of friends who had my back.
i remember almost punching a girl in the mouth for the second one tho. i hated people talking about tyler....-.-

but im still a good person =] i do alot of good things too and they outnumber my stupid mistakes.

>=(

2009-08-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

I AM SO ANGRY!! i just posted a whole blog about everything..but its gone it didnt post and i lost evrything i wrote. -_- i dont feel like writting all that over again but it was important....to me ={ ugh maybe ill be in the mood later

hulloooo

2009-07-06T11:14:00.001-07:00

hi again =} i added a new playlist and also going to ask mom for new layout o.O
im having a good relaxed time right now and im glad. i wish i wouldnt have mood swings like i do x.x its starting to get on my own nerves XP. im listening to your gaurdian angel which always makes me think of my friends, its like OUR song. and hopefully ill get my laptop back soon so i can post our end of year video up on here and on myspace. or just MS idk......im kind of bored right now just waiting for my mom to get home but itll be a little while sooooo yeah... oh oh!!! AND i am also exited cuz today mom finally gets to call the modling agency, and hopefully thingsgo good....=/
and heres a pic of me being a bored dork down here in SC

hello o.o

2009-07-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

hmm wow its been forever since ive writtin anything....i wounder if anyone still reads this..? =P i feel so retarted because i am soposed to keep writting....thats what this is for. .>=/ however i suck at keeping a steady journal,..
im in south carolina now with mom instead of dad
dad moved to florida, or actually he is kinda in the process of of moving there. i think he really likes it. the beauty the money(lol) the job, and the mood. its a really kool place i think,.
But yeah it sucks how all of this had to happen. and i think it just kind happend so quickly like...omg wait what just happend??? o.o i mean i just never thought my dad would actually move to florida so soon. he would always talk abut it and stuff but i never thought it would happen while i was in or GOING to high school. surprisingly although some people my think i am or should be, im not mad at my dad. he wants to be happy and fallow his dreams and im not going to be mad about that.
living with my mom isnt bad ive been wanting to escape to her for a long long time, because things at my moms have always been easier..in ways.
and yeah i am happy to be here because of my family and stuff but its so much harder than i actually thought it was going to be.....=/ i miss my friends soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much like and i get depressed really easily. i feel bad for doing that to my family and stuff but i dont really know how to stop being depressed....right now im actually doing fine tho im just sitting here chillin out in my pjs eatin strawberry milkshake oreos. yum yum ^_^
well i think thats it..for now
ill write again soon ^_^ =P
Buh bye

Bad BreakUp

2009-05-21T17:50:00.001-07:00

Ofcourse i should have known that this wasnt going to end well when it actually happend.
no matter what it would have sucked...and it does, but its alittle worse than i imagined. i feel bad about breaking up with him ofcorse but i think it was the right thing for me to do. but now everythings chaos. hes mad at me and truth be told id rather him sit there and be mean and yell at me than just sit there doing nothing but be upset and cry. igess i like it better that way because i probly deserve it.
ive been mean to him but it wasnt his fault i just felt...idk what was wrong with me.....i just need my space
but i feel bad for it
finaly hes admitting that hes pissed at me for being a jerk. im not exactly sure what made me be so rude sometimes but i think it was because i was trying to push him away, maybe i could make him not like me so then it would be him breaking up with me...not the other way around.
...but it didnt happen like that.
ill never regret going out with him though
he was my first real boyfriend and i still like him, sometimes i find myself trying to to stare at him. but still...i rly think i did the right thing. i had my reasons.
i just hope by the end of the year we will all be friends again
and i kinda hope he doesnt read this....he probly wont though he doesnt read my posts.

Zippy School Year

2009-04-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

End of third quarter....
woah, that went fast, this year is going by so fast i can barley stand it
somewhat glad tho this year sucked....for the most part. igess thats my fault tho...my dad said being sad is my choice and i bring it all on myself. i can kinda see what he is saying.....igess i mean but why would i choose to make myself miserable. thats stupid, and i nvr used to want to, so why would i want to now. well i am exited for the end of the year because we will get to have our promotion and go to cedar point. but the end of the year will prolly be pretty sad too. im going to be gone the whole summer in a diff. state with my mom so thats gona suck. and plus nxt year IF i get into LV most of my friends wont be there....they will be at BCC. id rather be at LV but im gonna miss my friends cuz i love them. =P friends are a big part of my lyf, they r all really important to me :)
If i dont get into lakeveiw tho... thers a good chance ill be going to school at my moms, which rlly sux cux then no tyler.....O.O
My dad gets mad at how much i talk about tyler, it makes me mad. he gets on my nerves with it. igess he doesnt want me doing anything stupid, but i mean seriusly..as if i had the tym. and it wouldnt matter cuz im not that stupid.

Even teachers were 14 once too! holey crap!

2009-03-12T18:38:00.001-07:00

Ive had alot of adaults tell me, i was your age once too u know... i know what your going through. as a kid looking at them as adaults and how they are with us kids, this is hard fer me to believe. lol
true evryone one was a kid at one point. But doo you reallllyy remember what it was exactly like? how hard some things got. how confusing EVRYTHING got? well one of the the most hard to beleive of this is my science teacher Mrs.G
well today i was having another one of my zombie moments in science class. and for once after like the billionth time ive done this she talked to me....o.o woah......still even a bit shocked about it now. i really thought she didnt care. i mean shes a teacher.i figure she comes to work she teaches us, and our own personal lives dont matter. with her atleast.
but igess....i was wrong...? she told me that i could talk to her, and even gave me her #. i told her i didnt talk to my dad and she knows my mom doesnt live up here so the only person as an adault female that i evr really talk to is my choir teacher, who is usually busy so i try not to bug. and yeah i mean she just helped. which kinda makes me feel bad now cuz i nvr really liked her as a teacher. i thought she didnt care about her students. but like i said igess i was wrong.
i really hope i can stay out of trouble with my dad and just get on with my normal happy ungrounded life................ugh whens that going to be?!
ive been grounded fer ovr months! x_x so not even kool theres not even a point in it. i hate living with rly strict parrents.

Just Not My Day....Again

2009-02-27T12:34:00.000-08:00

I just got home from school today. It was a tuff day. Many things made me angry today.first, my bf Tyler got accused of touching me innapropriatly but he honestly didnt, but even though he tried to go talk to the teacher about it he is still getting a referal (which is like a pink slip) so that wasnt kool at all. and it was a success day so i was evrywhere trying to get some of my work done with tyler, And another thing that pissed me off was that i had three different classes to go to, science, english, and math. well i went to science first with tyler, and we got evrything caught up. so we went up to our science teacher to get our planners sighned to go to the nxt class, and i gess i was supposed to go to english nxt but instead i went to math. which was right down the hall and on my list. but i got into big trouble for that.....says mrs. G (my science teacher) she says she told me i had to go to english nxt but i did not hear her. And what does it matter any way?! i mean seriusly, ive got work to turn in to all three classes. and math was right down the hallway.
But i made a mistake. i shouldnt have even went to math anyways. my math teacher rarely helps me and if he does he has a way of confusing the hell out of me while explainning. It seems like whenever he is in a bad mood he has to take it out on his students. which REALLY pisses me off. I mean we are there too catch up on our work thats what our "success day" is for. And him as a teacher is paid and is sopposed to be helping us along. But he was vry grouchy and rude to the students going through there. not just me.

And i remember today going outside for recess which i hate! because its muddy and freezing outside and there is no reason why we connot be in the gym, i was standing huddled up nxt to tyler and evrything was just grey around me. there were other kids pushing and shouting and cussing, my friends close to fighting, and across the playground there was i big group of kids standing around these two mentaly challenged boys laughing at them and fallowing them around. seeing evrything like that made me vry sad and i just wanted to cry. because evrything i looked at today was vry negative. i tried not to cry in front of tyler though because i didnt want him to see me like that, because i know that it hurts him alot. but i just turned into my zombie state. where i just stood starring off into nothing ignoring evryone else.
But today wasnt completly bad, when i went to my choir class i went to talk to my choir teacher about my dad and problems i have with him. other girls were in her office while i was talking to her and as i was talking we all just sort of broke down and BAWLED OUR EYES OUT and shared. but it felt good. it felt good to me to know that thos girls cared about me. and that they were going thru hard things too. and even the girl i hate the most out of the entire school broke down right there with me and we hugged each other tightly because we knew that we were both going thru hard situations.

Life is really hard for me right now, yeah im depressed i cry alot of sorrow filled tears.
but it makes me cry of happiness to know that i have friends to talk to and friends to cry with.
and some how, even tho its going to be extreamly difficult. i AM going to get out of this sadness evryday. im ready to be HAPPY evryday again. not FAKE IT happy. but actually happy.

A Mom's Point of View

2009-02-26T09:58:00.000-08:00

Ok...Momma's turn.
First, I do owe you an apology, Mer. I did over-react a bit on the school incident. I am sorry. I just want to explain why I did. See, you are my baby-girl and I love you more than anything in this world! You and your brother are EVERYTHING to me and I hate to see you do things that 'hurt' yourself. It brakes my heart. It's hard on a Mom and one day, perhaps you will understand that. So, I freaked out. I know that you are at the stage were you are experimenting and well, it's scary being a Mom and watching you grow thru this stage. I remember how it feels and all the mistakes I made and I just don't want to see you make those mistakes. But, I know that you have to, you have to make your own mistakes to learn. It's how you handle the choices in your life that makes you grow as a person. So, please forgive me for freaking out but, try to understand too that when I do that, it's only because I love you so much!
I know what a beautiful, intelligent young woman you are and I only want the very best for you. That's what Mom's do, freak out! Just know when I do it's because I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't care what you did now would I?
I really do understand how you are feeling inside and all the jumbled up mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's how we all feel while growing up and learning to be a person. There are so many raging hormones and feelings and thoughts it gets really confusing. Top that off with your friends...adding their thoughts and what they do, it really is hard to make sense of it all. Just try to remember that even your Mom went thru all that once upon a time, even if it was a 'long time ago', I went thru the very same things you are now and believe it or not, I felt ALL the same things...bodywise and emotion wise. I really did. Even now, I get confused and feel lost. It's part of our human make-up. :O) We are all searching...for something, someone, a way, a path in life.
I know that you are a good girl and I do trust you. Trust is not even an issue. I know tho that sometimes, the warring thoughts, feelings and emotions can over-rule our good intentions, at any age, believe me. So, I just want you to know that I love you and you can talk to me about anything, any time, I really do understand.
Just remember that you can rely on me and God to get you thru anything and everything.
Love you sweety~
Mom

sometimes i feel this way

2009-02-21T15:20:00.000-08:00

"Nobody's Home"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,She felt it everyday.And I couldn't help her,I just watched her make the same mistakes again.What's wrong, what's wrong now?Too many, too many problems.Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.She wants to go home, but nobody's home.It's where she lies, broken inside.With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.Broken inside.Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.Be strong, be strong now.Too many, too many problems.Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.She wants to go home, but nobody's home.It's where she lies, broken inside.With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.Broken inside.Her feelings she hides.Her dreams she can't find.She's losing her mind.She's fallen behind.She can't find her place.She's losing her faith.She's fallen from grace.She's all over the place.Yeah,ohShe wants to go home, but nobody's home.It's where she lies, broken inside.With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.Broken inside.She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeahShe's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

-Avril Lavigne

A peaceful place

2009-02-15T04:46:00.000-08:00

She curled up in the corner of the long worn down couch, resting her head upon the back rest. Her eyes unwillingly slid shut. Her head felt as if her brain had swollen up times ten and was pressing up hard against her skull. Her eyes were dry and burnin from crying earlier that day, and goose bumps crawled up her arm from the chill of the outside cold creeping inside the house. There was a soft pitter patter song of rain against the outside window singing her relaxedly to sleep. She knew she shouldnt fall asleep but it was the most comfortable thing to her at that moment. She sat there counting the peacefull seconds before she knew she would be interupted by her father. There was a loud clanking comming from the kitchen where he was begining to cook dinner. but she kept her eyes shut for the time being.
Her memory faded back to hours earlier...

Random Blog

2009-02-06T18:06:00.001-08:00

I'm just sitting here with absolutely nothing to do. its...pretty boring....yepp
Ive been thinking about writing a blog so here it is.
long.
and boring
I'm in a weird mood tonight. defiantly not happy, but not depressed either. I'm just kinda...here
i saw the devils arithmatic yesterday. it was so sad, like i didn't expect it to make me feel that strongly. parts of it, i think it was kinda cheesy , but i still liked it allot.
i had to miss chaos again tonight. Stillllll grounded
but kno that's my fault
and i have to wake up tomorrow at like 7:00 am ON A SATURDAY,YES I SAID SATURDAY!
cuz I've got to go to yet another test.
the first was to get into this High School i would love to go to.
i would be going there for half the day and i would be at my other school for the other half of the day.
now this test tomorrow is a practice ACT test that my dumb self signed up for at the beginning of the year.
i do not feel like going tomorrow but I'm stuck with it. cant bail out or my dad would have to pay like 67 dollars.
but on the upside i get to go shopping for new clothes tomorrow WOO! HOO! i love when my dad gets his taxes back.

O.O

2009-02-04T18:25:00.000-08:00

9:25 PM and I'm shocked I'm still awake! just didn't feel like going to bed. Felt like writing! of course its not like anyone cares or reads my posts anyway so what exactly is the point? guess just to write for absolutely no reason but for the fun of it ^.^ WOW I'm a dork! I'm actually glad my mom talked me into getting a blog, i think it'll help me because i can just come and write my feelings down instead of doing something stupid to relieve my stress. but i just wish i had like this big blown out blog like Alex evens were he gets tuns of comments on his writing. i think its just nice to know that people can relate to me or just took the time to say hi er whateverr :D

ugh! you know what i don't think I'm in a good mood today -__- actually I'm not in a good day most days...at least not lately. i feel like Ive changed a lot, and I'm to that weird teenage point in my life were i don't know who i am supposed to be...do i seem like a together kind of person?

because inside I'm all scrambled up and confused. i don't even think i have the words to describe it its quit annoying actually. People tell me, don't be confused your just you, be whoever you wanna be. But for some reason to me its harder than it sounds. And i get so annoyed and mad so easily like ppl just tick me off. Usually i try not to make a big dramatic deal over it,but you tell me do i do a good job of that?...o.O

ugh! i just get tired of all these stupid things swirling around in my head, and if this is all me and I'm doing it to myself than why cant i stop cuz i sher want to.

Completley Annoyed!

2009-02-04T17:29:00.001-08:00

Really Angry right now, because of how my mom has reacted to what i did at school. i didn't even have the chance to talk to her about it at all. But I'm getting really sick and tired of ppl telling me that I'm giving myself this horrible freaking reputation and how I'm such a big disappointment. Well I'm not! and i know I'm not! And no i DON'T care what other ppl think about me. Because i know who i am and my real friends and family know who i am too. I did it because i wanted it and i don't regret it. Yes i know that it was a bad idea to be doing all of that in school and everything, but i refuse to sit here and take all this crap from ppl. And you know what? this is my blog this is my feelings and if you don't like it, get over it because this is how i feel. I'm tired of sitting here letting ppl make me feel like crap because of all this. I'm just feeling like ppl r looking at me in a diff. way and that kinda hurts. but they shouldn't be because I'm still me. and i love Tyler and I'm not going to apologise for something I'm not sorry for.

Kissing and the trouble it brings!

2009-01-29T05:32:00.001-08:00

i had an ok day today :/ it was the first day of the new quarter so thats good. we all kinda get a fresh start, and we didnt really get any hw.
although tyler and i got caught kissing again. wich SUUUCCCKKKS, but i do know that thats my fault. its just like omg though because like i knew the teacher was right there behind us but i didnt stop in time to not get into trouble. im hoping that she doesnt know my name or something though. because i KNOW that this time im going to be more careful about where i kiss my bf!! and i like prayed in my head all day today. i was like please god, i dont want to get into trouble again!!! pleaassseee. so igess we will just see what happens..

Everything Changes

2009-01-24T14:35:00.001-08:00

Nothing ever happens the same way twice,
have you ever had like a really good day doing something awsome, or a really good summer or spring break, and you wanted to do it over again the same way but couldnt? because things changed friends drifted apart and people moved away. it seems like you can never do that same thing that created such good memories the first time. like when my best friend erin and i would walk over to our other best friends house aaron w and larry. we all hung out and rode dirk bikes and played basket ball. it was al blast. but i rarley hang out with aaron or larry anymore.:(
weve all changed.
Or there was the springbreak were my bestfriend alexndra and i went to my moms house all the way from michigan to indiana. :D it was really really fun to take one of my bffs to my mom. we were just lazy and having a blast the whole time we were there. memories ill never forget. but we can never do that again because my mom is moving to south carolina.
Then theres chaos everytime i go its like a whole different experience. i remember having a really good time one night. and then comming back the next week and it was filled with different people, and a different mood than the last time.
Everything is different every time you do it. wether you want it to be or not. and everything changes, wether you want it to or not...

Grounded but ok

2009-01-24T14:32:00.000-08:00

its already 11:55 and i woke up around 10:30. even though i woke up late ive been having a pretty good morning. :D
i got up took a long shower, ate a yummy blueberry yogurt, and cleaned my room. Even though im grounded, this weekend hasnt been so bad.
although i really really hope that this comming friday i can go to chaos!! i had to skip the last one and it was horrible. -_-
last night was kool. :) i got to talk to tyler on the phone, cuz my dad was gone. hehe ^_^ ugh but i need to get up and do something to stay in a good mood. if i just lay around than ill get all tierd and grouchy. but theres nothing really to do today sept for clean when my dad gets up. thats not fun to look forward too. D: i need more exiting things in my life!!

Avril

2009-01-23T10:51:00.000-08:00

avril lavigne is my idol! :) i love her old and new styl and i love her music! she is awsome. thats the typ of styl that i like. i want to be like her ^_^ not that i dont want to be myself, but that is me. i like preppy punk rock. :D

Grrrr!

2009-01-22T14:30:00.000-08:00

GRR! im so ticked.
i just went and sighned up for alexevans.net and i was all exited to leave a comment, thinkin...hey maybe he will write me back!! Alex evans A.K.A Alex heartbreaker is like one of the most beautiful people i have everr seen...hes a model ^_^ my bff seni and i think hes like the awsumest thing ever. *cries* But NOOOOoooooo ofcorse it had to be all messed uppppp. i gess i dont have somthing called cookie enabled...O.o dont know what that is.... so yeah, but it wont let me leave comments cuz i dont have it. *sighs* owell.
look at the pics, tell me hes not gourgus!

A Good Day

2009-01-21T16:44:00.001-08:00

today i had a good day in school :) which im verey glad about because latley i havent been having many good days.
i got all of my work caught up and i got to see tyler after a verey long boring weekend where i was grounded.
i never ever feel like i have enough time to be with tyler because there is always stuff to do. and the hardest thing i think is the fact that in school there is a hands off polacy.so we arent even aloud to hold hands or hug each other. -_- or um other things. ^_^ so yeah i dont think its fair that i have a boyfriend, but i never get to really spend enough time with him. especialy when i see everyone else who gets to hang out with their bf or gf outside of school. at the mall or the movies, or even at their house. ofcourse with parrental supervision. *rolls eyes* but yeah it sucks and is hard for both tyler and i to deal with. D: But although im sitting here complaining i am still in a pretty good mood today. i just think that since ive had a pretty good day, and im in a pretty good mood nothing is really going to make me to upset tonight. :D

Dog Gone Woes

2009-01-12T14:36:00.000-08:00

I just got back a few minutes ago from the movie benjamin button. it was an extreamly odd movie. depressing at a few times, and definatly unlike anything i have ever seen before. all in all i think it was a pretty kool movie. :)so i get home and dads walking up to the store right now, and i just got done cleaning up after the dog yet again.
i think that she is soo cute and adorable, and shes so old, shes 12 years old!!! but i must say im exited to be getting rid of her. i really dont like comming home every day having to clean the trash that shes strung all over the house, or other messes she makes -_-
im alittle sad right now because i can not believe how fast the weekend has just flown right by! it sucks O.o im not looking foward to going back to school, knowing that i have a book review due which i didnt finish. im a really big procrastenator... (mom dont kill me) but thats ok though because although i get behind, i always get everything caught up in time for the quarters report card. and im working on getting rid of my stupid, annoying bad habbit.

Mer

Music and Memories

2009-01-12T14:30:00.000-08:00

i love it when i listen to a song and it brings back a whole bunch of memorys from the past.
memorys i never want to forget. they were happy times :) the song Summertime mostley reminded me of last summer and my best friend erin, and only alittle bit of my ex boyfriend but thats ok, because i dont regret going out with him.

Mer

Trip to Detroit

2009-01-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

The trip to the best western hotel was something i'll always remember. My best friend Erin took me with her the weekend after christmas. Erin and i are really close shes like a sister to me an we spend a TUN of time hangin out with each other. While we were at the hotel our scedual consisted of swimming, lunch swimming, dinner, sleep, wake up, and again...swimming. We were there for three days and two nights. It was awesome!

hi

2008-11-15T11:59:00.001-08:00