Just Not My Day....Again

I just got home from school today. It was a tuff day. Many things made me angry today.first, my bf Tyler got accused of touching me innapropriatly but he honestly didnt, but even though he tried to go talk to the teacher about it he is still getting a referal (which is like a pink slip) so that wasnt kool at all. and it was a success day so i was evrywhere trying to get some of my work done with tyler, And another thing that pissed me off was that i had three different classes to go to, science, english, and math. well i went to science first with tyler, and we got evrything caught up. so we went up to our science teacher to get our planners sighned to go to the nxt class, and i gess i was supposed to go to english nxt but instead i went to math. which was right down the hall and on my list. but i got into big trouble for that.....says mrs. G (my science teacher) she says she told me i had to go to english nxt but i did not hear her. And what does it matter any way?! i mean seriusly, ive got work to turn in to all three classes. and math was right down the hallway.
But i made a mistake. i shouldnt have even went to math anyways. my math teacher rarely helps me and if he does he has a way of confusing the hell out of me while explainning. It seems like whenever he is in a bad mood he has to take it out on his students. which REALLY pisses me off. I mean we are there too catch up on our work thats what our "success day" is for. And him as a teacher is paid and is sopposed to be helping us along. But he was vry grouchy and rude to the students going through there. not just me.

And i remember today going outside for recess which i hate! because its muddy and freezing outside and there is no reason why we connot be in the gym, i was standing huddled up nxt to tyler and evrything was just grey around me. there were other kids pushing and shouting and cussing, my friends close to fighting, and across the playground there was i big group of kids standing around these two mentaly challenged boys laughing at them and fallowing them around. seeing evrything like that made me vry sad and i just wanted to cry. because evrything i looked at today was vry negative. i tried not to cry in front of tyler though because i didnt want him to see me like that, because i know that it hurts him alot. but i just turned into my zombie state. where i just stood starring off into nothing ignoring evryone else.
But today wasnt completly bad, when i went to my choir class i went to talk to my choir teacher about my dad and problems i have with him. other girls were in her office while i was talking to her and as i was talking we all just sort of broke down and BAWLED OUR EYES OUT and shared. but it felt good. it felt good to me to know that thos girls cared about me. and that they were going thru hard things too. and even the girl i hate the most out of the entire school broke down right there with me and we hugged each other tightly because we knew that we were both going thru hard situations.

Life is really hard for me right now, yeah im depressed i cry alot of sorrow filled tears.
but it makes me cry of happiness to know that i have friends to talk to and friends to cry with.
and some how, even tho its going to be extreamly difficult. i AM going to get out of this sadness evryday. im ready to be HAPPY evryday again. not FAKE IT happy. but actually happy.

A Mom's Point of View

Ok...Momma's turn.
First, I do owe you an apology, Mer. I did over-react a bit on the school incident. I am sorry. I just want to explain why I did. See, you are my baby-girl and I love you more than anything in this world! You and your brother are EVERYTHING to me and I hate to see you do things that 'hurt' yourself. It brakes my heart. It's hard on a Mom and one day, perhaps you will understand that. So, I freaked out. I know that you are at the stage were you are experimenting and well, it's scary being a Mom and watching you grow thru this stage. I remember how it feels and all the mistakes I made and I just don't want to see you make those mistakes. But, I know that you have to, you have to make your own mistakes to learn. It's how you handle the choices in your life that makes you grow as a person. So, please forgive me for freaking out but, try to understand too that when I do that, it's only because I love you so much!
I know what a beautiful, intelligent young woman you are and I only want the very best for you. That's what Mom's do, freak out! Just know when I do it's because I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't care what you did now would I?
I really do understand how you are feeling inside and all the jumbled up mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's how we all feel while growing up and learning to be a person. There are so many raging hormones and feelings and thoughts it gets really confusing. Top that off with your friends...adding their thoughts and what they do, it really is hard to make sense of it all. Just try to remember that even your Mom went thru all that once upon a time, even if it was a 'long time ago', I went thru the very same things you are now and believe it or not, I felt ALL the same things...bodywise and emotion wise. I really did. Even now, I get confused and feel lost. It's part of our human make-up. :O) We are all searching...for something, someone, a way, a path in life.
I know that you are a good girl and I do trust you. Trust is not even an issue. I know tho that sometimes, the warring thoughts, feelings and emotions can over-rule our good intentions, at any age, believe me. So, I just want you to know that I love you and you can talk to me about anything, any time, I really do understand.
Just remember that you can rely on me and God to get you thru anything and everything.
Love you sweety~
Mom

sometimes i feel this way

"Nobody's Home"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,She felt it everyday.And I couldn't help her,I just watched her make the same mistakes again.What's wrong, what's wrong now?Too many, too many problems.Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.She wants to go home, but nobody's home.It's where she lies, broken inside.With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.Broken inside.Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.Be strong, be strong now.Too many, too many problems.Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.She wants to go home, but nobody's home.It's where she lies, broken inside.With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.Broken inside.Her feelings she hides.Her dreams she can't find.She's losing her mind.She's fallen behind.She can't find her place.She's losing her faith.She's fallen from grace.She's all over the place.Yeah,ohShe wants to go home, but nobody's home.It's where she lies, broken inside.With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.Broken inside.She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeahShe's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

-Avril Lavigne

A peaceful place

She curled up in the corner of the long worn down couch, resting her head upon the back rest. Her eyes unwillingly slid shut. Her head felt as if her brain had swollen up times ten and was pressing up hard against her skull. Her eyes were dry and burnin from crying earlier that day, and goose bumps crawled up her arm from the chill of the outside cold creeping inside the house. There was a soft pitter patter song of rain against the outside window singing her relaxedly to sleep. She knew she shouldnt fall asleep but it was the most comfortable thing to her at that moment. She sat there counting the peacefull seconds before she knew she would be interupted by her father. There was a loud clanking comming from the kitchen where he was begining to cook dinner. but she kept her eyes shut for the time being.
Her memory faded back to hours earlier...

Random Blog

I'm just sitting here with absolutely nothing to do. its...pretty boring....yepp
Ive been thinking about writing a blog so here it is.
long.
and boring
I'm in a weird mood tonight. defiantly not happy, but not depressed either. I'm just kinda...here
i saw the devils arithmatic yesterday. it was so sad, like i didn't expect it to make me feel that strongly. parts of it, i think it was kinda cheesy , but i still liked it allot.
i had to miss chaos again tonight. Stillllll grounded
but kno that's my fault
and i have to wake up tomorrow at like 7:00 am ON A SATURDAY,YES I SAID SATURDAY!
cuz I've got to go to yet another test.
the first was to get into this High School i would love to go to.
i would be going there for half the day and i would be at my other school for the other half of the day.
now this test tomorrow is a practice ACT test that my dumb self signed up for at the beginning of the year.
i do not feel like going tomorrow but I'm stuck with it. cant bail out or my dad would have to pay like 67 dollars.
but on the upside i get to go shopping for new clothes tomorrow WOO! HOO! i love when my dad gets his taxes back.

O.O

9:25 PM and I'm shocked I'm still awake! just didn't feel like going to bed. Felt like writing! of course its not like anyone cares or reads my posts anyway so what exactly is the point? guess just to write for absolutely no reason but for the fun of it ^.^ WOW I'm a dork! I'm actually glad my mom talked me into getting a blog, i think it'll help me because i can just come and write my feelings down instead of doing something stupid to relieve my stress. but i just wish i had like this big blown out blog like Alex evens were he gets tuns of comments on his writing. i think its just nice to know that people can relate to me or just took the time to say hi er whateverr :D

ugh! you know what i don't think I'm in a good mood today -__- actually I'm not in a good day most days...at least not lately. i feel like Ive changed a lot, and I'm to that weird teenage point in my life were i don't know who i am supposed to be...do i seem like a together kind of person?

because inside I'm all scrambled up and confused. i don't even think i have the words to describe it its quit annoying actually. People tell me, don't be confused your just you, be whoever you wanna be. But for some reason to me its harder than it sounds. And i get so annoyed and mad so easily like ppl just tick me off. Usually i try not to make a big dramatic deal over it,but you tell me do i do a good job of that?...o.O

ugh! i just get tired of all these stupid things swirling around in my head, and if this is all me and I'm doing it to myself than why cant i stop cuz i sher want to.

Completley Annoyed!

Really Angry right now, because of how my mom has reacted to what i did at school. i didn't even have the chance to talk to her about it at all. But I'm getting really sick and tired of ppl telling me that I'm giving myself this horrible freaking reputation and how I'm such a big disappointment. Well I'm not! and i know I'm not! And no i DON'T care what other ppl think about me. Because i know who i am and my real friends and family know who i am too. I did it because i wanted it and i don't regret it. Yes i know that it was a bad idea to be doing all of that in school and everything, but i refuse to sit here and take all this crap from ppl. And you know what? this is my blog this is my feelings and if you don't like it, get over it because this is how i feel. I'm tired of sitting here letting ppl make me feel like crap because of all this. I'm just feeling like ppl r looking at me in a diff. way and that kinda hurts. but they shouldn't be because I'm still me. and i love Tyler and I'm not going to apologise for something I'm not sorry for.