Bad BreakUp

Ofcourse i should have known that this wasnt going to end well when it actually happend.
no matter what it would have sucked...and it does, but its alittle worse than i imagined. i feel bad about breaking up with him ofcorse but i think it was the right thing for me to do. but now everythings chaos. hes mad at me and truth be told id rather him sit there and be mean and yell at me than just sit there doing nothing but be upset and cry. igess i like it better that way because i probly deserve it.
ive been mean to him but it wasnt his fault i just felt...idk what was wrong with me.....i just need my space
but i feel bad for it
finaly hes admitting that hes pissed at me for being a jerk. im not exactly sure what made me be so rude sometimes but i think it was because i was trying to push him away, maybe i could make him not like me so then it would be him breaking up with me...not the other way around.
...but it didnt happen like that.
ill never regret going out with him though
he was my first real boyfriend and i still like him, sometimes i find myself trying to to stare at him. but still...i rly think i did the right thing. i had my reasons.
i just hope by the end of the year we will all be friends again
and i kinda hope he doesnt read this....he probly wont though he doesnt read my posts.

Zippy School Year

End of third quarter....
woah, that went fast, this year is going by so fast i can barley stand it
somewhat glad tho this year sucked....for the most part. igess thats my fault tho...my dad said being sad is my choice and i bring it all on myself. i can kinda see what he is saying.....igess i mean but why would i choose to make myself miserable. thats stupid, and i nvr used to want to, so why would i want to now. well i am exited for the end of the year because we will get to have our promotion and go to cedar point. but the end of the year will prolly be pretty sad too. im going to be gone the whole summer in a diff. state with my mom so thats gona suck. and plus nxt year IF i get into LV most of my friends wont be there....they will be at BCC. id rather be at LV but im gonna miss my friends cuz i love them. =P friends are a big part of my lyf, they r all really important to me :)
If i dont get into lakeveiw tho... thers a good chance ill be going to school at my moms, which rlly sux cux then no tyler.....O.O
My dad gets mad at how much i talk about tyler, it makes me mad. he gets on my nerves with it. igess he doesnt want me doing anything stupid, but i mean seriusly..as if i had the tym. and it wouldnt matter cuz im not that stupid.

Even teachers were 14 once too! holey crap!

Ive had alot of adaults tell me, i was your age once too u know... i know what your going through. as a kid looking at them as adaults and how they are with us kids, this is hard fer me to believe. lol
true evryone one was a kid at one point. But doo you reallllyy remember what it was exactly like? how hard some things got. how confusing EVRYTHING got? well one of the the most hard to beleive of this is my science teacher Mrs.G
well today i was having another one of my zombie moments in science class. and for once after like the billionth time ive done this she talked to me....o.o woah......still even a bit shocked about it now. i really thought she didnt care. i mean shes a teacher.i figure she comes to work she teaches us, and our own personal lives dont matter. with her atleast.
but igess....i was wrong...? she told me that i could talk to her, and even gave me her #. i told her i didnt talk to my dad and she knows my mom doesnt live up here so the only person as an adault female that i evr really talk to is my choir teacher, who is usually busy so i try not to bug. and yeah i mean she just helped. which kinda makes me feel bad now cuz i nvr really liked her as a teacher. i thought she didnt care about her students. but like i said igess i was wrong.
i really hope i can stay out of trouble with my dad and just get on with my normal happy ungrounded life................ugh whens that going to be?!
ive been grounded fer ovr months! x_x so not even kool theres not even a point in it. i hate living with rly strict parrents.

Just Not My Day....Again

I just got home from school today. It was a tuff day. Many things made me angry today.first, my bf Tyler got accused of touching me innapropriatly but he honestly didnt, but even though he tried to go talk to the teacher about it he is still getting a referal (which is like a pink slip) so that wasnt kool at all. and it was a success day so i was evrywhere trying to get some of my work done with tyler, And another thing that pissed me off was that i had three different classes to go to, science, english, and math. well i went to science first with tyler, and we got evrything caught up. so we went up to our science teacher to get our planners sighned to go to the nxt class, and i gess i was supposed to go to english nxt but instead i went to math. which was right down the hall and on my list. but i got into big trouble for that.....says mrs. G (my science teacher) she says she told me i had to go to english nxt but i did not hear her. And what does it matter any way?! i mean seriusly, ive got work to turn in to all three classes. and math was right down the hallway.
But i made a mistake. i shouldnt have even went to math anyways. my math teacher rarely helps me and if he does he has a way of confusing the hell out of me while explainning. It seems like whenever he is in a bad mood he has to take it out on his students. which REALLY pisses me off. I mean we are there too catch up on our work thats what our "success day" is for. And him as a teacher is paid and is sopposed to be helping us along. But he was vry grouchy and rude to the students going through there. not just me.

And i remember today going outside for recess which i hate! because its muddy and freezing outside and there is no reason why we connot be in the gym, i was standing huddled up nxt to tyler and evrything was just grey around me. there were other kids pushing and shouting and cussing, my friends close to fighting, and across the playground there was i big group of kids standing around these two mentaly challenged boys laughing at them and fallowing them around. seeing evrything like that made me vry sad and i just wanted to cry. because evrything i looked at today was vry negative. i tried not to cry in front of tyler though because i didnt want him to see me like that, because i know that it hurts him alot. but i just turned into my zombie state. where i just stood starring off into nothing ignoring evryone else.
But today wasnt completly bad, when i went to my choir class i went to talk to my choir teacher about my dad and problems i have with him. other girls were in her office while i was talking to her and as i was talking we all just sort of broke down and BAWLED OUR EYES OUT and shared. but it felt good. it felt good to me to know that thos girls cared about me. and that they were going thru hard things too. and even the girl i hate the most out of the entire school broke down right there with me and we hugged each other tightly because we knew that we were both going thru hard situations.

Life is really hard for me right now, yeah im depressed i cry alot of sorrow filled tears.
but it makes me cry of happiness to know that i have friends to talk to and friends to cry with.
and some how, even tho its going to be extreamly difficult. i AM going to get out of this sadness evryday. im ready to be HAPPY evryday again. not FAKE IT happy. but actually happy.

A Mom's Point of View

Ok...Momma's turn.
First, I do owe you an apology, Mer. I did over-react a bit on the school incident. I am sorry. I just want to explain why I did. See, you are my baby-girl and I love you more than anything in this world! You and your brother are EVERYTHING to me and I hate to see you do things that 'hurt' yourself. It brakes my heart. It's hard on a Mom and one day, perhaps you will understand that. So, I freaked out. I know that you are at the stage were you are experimenting and well, it's scary being a Mom and watching you grow thru this stage. I remember how it feels and all the mistakes I made and I just don't want to see you make those mistakes. But, I know that you have to, you have to make your own mistakes to learn. It's how you handle the choices in your life that makes you grow as a person. So, please forgive me for freaking out but, try to understand too that when I do that, it's only because I love you so much!
I know what a beautiful, intelligent young woman you are and I only want the very best for you. That's what Mom's do, freak out! Just know when I do it's because I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't care what you did now would I?
I really do understand how you are feeling inside and all the jumbled up mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's how we all feel while growing up and learning to be a person. There are so many raging hormones and feelings and thoughts it gets really confusing. Top that off with your friends...adding their thoughts and what they do, it really is hard to make sense of it all. Just try to remember that even your Mom went thru all that once upon a time, even if it was a 'long time ago', I went thru the very same things you are now and believe it or not, I felt ALL the same things...bodywise and emotion wise. I really did. Even now, I get confused and feel lost. It's part of our human make-up. :O) We are all searching...for something, someone, a way, a path in life.
I know that you are a good girl and I do trust you. Trust is not even an issue. I know tho that sometimes, the warring thoughts, feelings and emotions can over-rule our good intentions, at any age, believe me. So, I just want you to know that I love you and you can talk to me about anything, any time, I really do understand.
Just remember that you can rely on me and God to get you thru anything and everything.
Love you sweety~
Mom

sometimes i feel this way

"Nobody's Home"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,She felt it everyday.And I couldn't help her,I just watched her make the same mistakes again.What's wrong, what's wrong now?Too many, too many problems.Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.She wants to go home, but nobody's home.It's where she lies, broken inside.With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.Broken inside.Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.Be strong, be strong now.Too many, too many problems.Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.She wants to go home, but nobody's home.It's where she lies, broken inside.With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.Broken inside.Her feelings she hides.Her dreams she can't find.She's losing her mind.She's fallen behind.She can't find her place.She's losing her faith.She's fallen from grace.She's all over the place.Yeah,ohShe wants to go home, but nobody's home.It's where she lies, broken inside.With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.Broken inside.She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeahShe's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

-Avril Lavigne

A peaceful place

She curled up in the corner of the long worn down couch, resting her head upon the back rest. Her eyes unwillingly slid shut. Her head felt as if her brain had swollen up times ten and was pressing up hard against her skull. Her eyes were dry and burnin from crying earlier that day, and goose bumps crawled up her arm from the chill of the outside cold creeping inside the house. There was a soft pitter patter song of rain against the outside window singing her relaxedly to sleep. She knew she shouldnt fall asleep but it was the most comfortable thing to her at that moment. She sat there counting the peacefull seconds before she knew she would be interupted by her father. There was a loud clanking comming from the kitchen where he was begining to cook dinner. but she kept her eyes shut for the time being.
Her memory faded back to hours earlier...