Grounded for five days!!! :O

Yeah i basically grounded myself for five days so i could go to the mall.
longish story but anyways it was worth it. the mall was pretty fun. marc was there. i think im getting used to being around him alittle more. its really really awesome that he is going to another school next year. i mean...it'll be wierd at first, not seeing him around anymore, but i think its going to help me foret about him and i can finally completley move on, and be happy again. so im kinda excited to get on with my life. :D
anyways at the mall i got to hang with him and jack and john and miranda. it was quite fun. we were benig SUCH dorks. mostley me tho :P
im also really excited to start drama club next year. I really think its going to be good for me and there are so many awesome people in drama club. like chase! :D and john and ian.
i went to johns 16th b-day party the other day. it was really cool.
i got to see chase for the first time since he has been back from california.
it was the fisrt time i had seen him since we were dating so it was kinda hard for me not to be able to like...idk. that part sucked. but anyways it was good to see him.
Hopefully sometime next week me amanda patrick and chase can hang out.
idk.
ill be going to florida on the 1rst of next month to the 15th.
i think it'll give me the chance to see how much im really gonna miss this place.
who knows....
its gonna be wierd being back around my dad again.....o.o

New Updates

Changed background and music and what not XD
PSH.
done. (:
Amanda sherwood is my best friend in south carolina. we took this picture when we were out with her mom. that was a very fun
i cant believe im going to be in 10th grade next year!
hope its going to be better then last year.
i think it will, plus ill probably be in drama club.
YAY
this is random....
all my new music on my playlist,are all songs i can connect to.
make me over: i think courtney love is crazy awesome in a weird crazy way. and i like this song
Happy:i really dont like nsn a whole lot because it reminds me of marc, but i really do like this song. and trouble. :P
Who i am hates who i've been:heard this in church ((chaos)) in the 7th or 8th grade. i like it because theres ALOT of stupid things i do and have done in my past but im always trying to be a better person
Satalite heart: song i found from new moon, and it makes me think of marc.
Liar liar: always loved that song and i love the used. plus too many people in this world lie.
You'r gaurdian angel: song i dedicated to my friends in michigan. i love them.
You lost me: mine and marcs relationship
Not afraid: ive always loved eminem and this song is just empowering. i love it

How im feelin about you.. >:|

I'm over your lies,
and I'm over your games.
I'm over you asking me,
when you know I'm not okay.
You call me at night,
and I pick up the phone.
And then you be telling me,
I know your not alone.
ohh..

Thats why
(your eyes)
I'm over it
(your smile)
I'm over it
(realize)
I'm over it
I'm over it
I'm over..

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, its my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

I'm over your hands,
and I'm over your mouth.
Trying to drag me down,
and fill me with self-doubt.
ohh..

Thats why,
(your words)
I'm over it
(so sure)
I'm over it
(i'm not your girl)
I'm over it
I'm over it
I'm over...

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, its my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

Don't call,
don't come by,
ain't no use,
don't ask me why,
you'll never change,
there'll be no more crying in the rain.

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, its my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

I'm so over it....
I'm over it....

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, its my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

Happy?

sweet agony finally takes its break from me,
i sigh a long breath of relief and look up to the sky smiling.
everything is ok now
please let it stay this way for a long time
could i be happy?

Laugh now cry later.......Or perhaps theres no need to cry at all. :)

Over the last few months things have been.....crazy...
i never thought i would make it through...:/ i didnt know if i would ever fully recover.
sometimes i really do still wonder.
but i have this new best friend nammed amanda. ^-^ she is the jelly to my peanut butter!!
her and i have been able to get really close after going through things together
and i really do think that with out her i wouldnt be doing as well as i am now.
we helped each other through some rough times. and i know i can lean on her and she knows she can lean on me.
latley things have been going really well. i mean life always has its ups and downs.
but why should i complain?
amanda and her best friend patrick are probably going to hook up soon and its unbeleivably cute! its like seriously watching a love story and i have been telling her all along that they should be together. EVERYONE sees it. except for her.
and me....ive actually found someone myself...:)
yes his name is chase. i always sorta had a little thing for him but nothing too big.
but then i got to hang out with him more over the break. he just does the cutest little things that make me go awwww inside. and he is really sweet.
i "married" him at the bowling ally at 1:01 am. april 11,2010
lol it was quite fun.
im really hoping things go well with chase because im thinking hes going to help me get over my past and have a good relationship again.
i suppose only time will tell ^-^
im alsot STILL in touch with friends with Michigan
which makes me feel really good.
because i guess it is true that true friends never really fall apart.
im actually hopefully going to be talking to ramon tonight again
and hopefully tyler soon.
theres other like lucas erin brandon tyler shep, aaron b....ect ect
and all this stuff added up just makes me feel good and gives me the strength to keep moving forward..
im not going to lie...im afraid of the future and im afraid of....welll alot of things.
but im getting stronger and stronger, plus i have all my friends to lean on.

Going Insane

I am so sick of having to see his face,i hate it when they all say "oh he is so amazing i love that guy hes so cute!!"
i just want to punch him in the face!!
there is nothing great or cute about him!!!!!
hes a stupid ugly compulsive liar.
im sick of all this and so tired of it, i just want to scream.
what am i supposed to do?!?! he is everywhere i turn and i just want to get away from him.
i want to get over him.
he doesnt even care about me and he TOOK everything i had.
why did this have to happen to me?!?!
i didnt deserve all this stupid shit. >:|
its just not fair, how am i supposed to ever trust someone again?
i put all of my trust and love into him and he screwed me over.
what now?!?!?!
im so tired of all of this. i want to move on. i wish he never existed. >.<
ugh...im just so stressed. im not even the same person anymore.
i have to fake being happy, and try to ignore all the shit.
i dont want to be in this place anymore. i really dont.

Its Sunday

The weekend flew by faster than ever, i knew it would.
I had alot of fun, went to see alice in wonderland with a bunch of awesome friends, hung out with josh ALOT, and went to the isle of palms. but now that it is sunday night i am back to my depressed mode. ):
school is my worst nightmare. my grades fall so quickly that i dont even have the motivation to attempt to rise them. its not like its going to work.
yes, i have friends at school....but not very many and no one close. no one thats always there.
i sit around 20 to 30 people or more and feel absolutley alone.
i know more than half of them talk crap about me behind me back.
i wish i could run away from it all. but i cant. and even though i feel completley and utterly useless and depressed. I have to put on my best fake smile, and get some work done.
i hate having to go through this, but ive learned alot of lessons.
like, the only person that will be there for you for the rest of your life....is yourself. so love yourself. and do the best you possibly can.



And after all of this crap that is going on, josh is moving this comming friday.
he has to be one of the most amazing people ive ever met. always has a smile on his face, and he does everything he can to make people around him happy. i dont know what i am going to do without josh ):
i feel so empty and so alone. life is so difficult ryt now.
and one of the worste parts is that marc doesnt care about me anymore...at all
he is so happy without me. he never even ONCE said, Meriya i am sorry for hurting you.
not once :(

God help me.

After all is said and done, i am the only one who ends up hurt. everyone else goes on in life with a smile, even marc. not me. im left with agony, depression and heartbreak. i feel so alone sometimes. everytime i think about him i just want to actually die to escape the pain. i keep thinking why did this happen. and then i guess its because marc started to hate me. ive been doing really stupid things latley and thinking really stupid thoughts. im only getting myself into deeper shit tho. i have a feeling this is going to take a very long time to get over and that doesnt help my mood.
i pray to god that he help me forget about marc. and then i start crying again.
i cant ever control myself from crying, everywhere i go it all just comes out. i feel so embaressed.
i wish god had the power to erase or help forget.
i wish god had the power to go back in time and help marc decide not to cheat on me.
i wish MARC really loved me. but since he really didnt
i wish I wouldnt have beleived his lies. dear god please help me. i need you right now because i am dead inside. please help bring me back to life. please help me to be happy again.

Couldnt do it if i wanted to..........

What if i deleted every single one of my friends from michigan off of myspace....
I just have been starting to feel so stupid and pathetic, with missing them so much. i feel like i think about them to much. its making me hopelessly miserable and not only that but they've all pretty much moved on and forgotten about me. They have new friends that have filled my place. but this is good. i suppose..
I mean, im definatley happy in south carolina.!!! but theres this huge.....hole in me.
sometimes in my mind im still living in michigan when im talking to my friends and then i snap back into reality and it hurts.
i never thought i would leave so soon. then on one random day my dad got a call for this amazing job in florida...within a month i was gone. right now it feels like a big bleeding cut that wont freaking HEAL!


i feel like if i deleted everyone then maybe id forget about them and i wouldnt feel so stupid or feel that pain anymore.
but i just dont think i could do that........ :( :(

I Never know what to write for a title!!.......O.O

just got home from school., and hangin out with josh. hes finally dating miranda whoo hoo. :D i hope it works out. today was.....frusterating....-.- but for some reason im feeling alright now. i guess. untill i think about how much my mom makes me mad. >.> ugh i dont even want to go there. its just arguing over a lost cause!! and it just makes me even more angry. ive been trying the thing where you count to ten when your angry. it kinda works when i actually remember to stop and start counting. valentines day was really fun :] it was the first v-day where i felt like i actually had a valentine. xP and i got a teddy bear! i Also got to see RENT live and wow that was so fun. so im still having trouble with the whole being depressed and grouchy thing sometimes...and it really sucks. i wish i really knew how to change it. things havent been that bad though. ive actually been doing pretty good latley. really trying to get my grades up. i just wish there wasnt such a thing as homework tho! lol i still miss tyler every now and then. which in a way is kinda good because i dont want to forget about him :/ the tv woke me up playing one of our old songs the other day and it made me sad. :[ but idk. im just really glad were still friends and i mean, thats all i want. still think about ramon to... i feel sad to have to let go of my friends in MI and i obviously really dont want to. Erin is starting to give up on me,... i can tell. but lucas told her that just because im not there anymore doesnt mean were not still and always will be best friends. i told her that to but she doesnt listen.... it makes me sad to have to loose my friends., they just mean so much to me. I was thinking the other day about how you can never depend on anybody, except for yourself. thats when i was upset, and i kinda believe its true sometimes. depending on somebody whether it be a friend or a boyfriend, or a family member just sets you up to get let down. like there not always going to be there right by your side, to hold you up. idk..... THIS is a video i took from my cell of the play RENT. its one of my favorite songs in the play. the picture REALLY sucks but i still think its awesome because you can still here the actors singing. its at a part where they are in a circle talking about dealing with aids and when you watch it and listen to it. the song gives you goosebumps.


This one is another one of my definate favs in the play. "La Vie Bohem" you can see where the guy who plays mark slips while he tries to jump up on the table. i was like awww. lol but he was a really awesome actor and a great singer. he totally did a great job.

GAHHHH!

I am at marcs house right now with everyone
(cheyene veronica, marc and his little NOSEY brother) :)
things have been doing pretty okie dokie latley. ive been hanging out with my really awesome friend JOSH alot latley. im really glad that him and i became friends because hes very chill, and hes like a breathe of fresh air.
i am still dating marc yey. hes also pretty fantastic =P
going back to school tomarow......sadly..
school is a big frusteration. but im sure it will pay off in the long run, o.O hopefully...

January

its 2010 yay. iguess lol
just passing time for me basicly. im at marcs house today hanging out for a while waiting for cheyene to wake up...
just felt like adding a quick postive been doig pretty good for the most part latley....; L8R