Going Insane

I am so sick of having to see his face,i hate it when they all say "oh he is so amazing i love that guy hes so cute!!"
i just want to punch him in the face!!
there is nothing great or cute about him!!!!!
hes a stupid ugly compulsive liar.
im sick of all this and so tired of it, i just want to scream.
what am i supposed to do?!?! he is everywhere i turn and i just want to get away from him.
i want to get over him.
he doesnt even care about me and he TOOK everything i had.
why did this have to happen to me?!?!
i didnt deserve all this stupid shit. >:|
its just not fair, how am i supposed to ever trust someone again?
i put all of my trust and love into him and he screwed me over.
what now?!?!?!
im so tired of all of this. i want to move on. i wish he never existed. >.<
ugh...im just so stressed. im not even the same person anymore.
i have to fake being happy, and try to ignore all the shit.
i dont want to be in this place anymore. i really dont.

Its Sunday

The weekend flew by faster than ever, i knew it would.
I had alot of fun, went to see alice in wonderland with a bunch of awesome friends, hung out with josh ALOT, and went to the isle of palms. but now that it is sunday night i am back to my depressed mode. ):
school is my worst nightmare. my grades fall so quickly that i dont even have the motivation to attempt to rise them. its not like its going to work.
yes, i have friends at school....but not very many and no one close. no one thats always there.
i sit around 20 to 30 people or more and feel absolutley alone.
i know more than half of them talk crap about me behind me back.
i wish i could run away from it all. but i cant. and even though i feel completley and utterly useless and depressed. I have to put on my best fake smile, and get some work done.
i hate having to go through this, but ive learned alot of lessons.
like, the only person that will be there for you for the rest of your life....is yourself. so love yourself. and do the best you possibly can.



And after all of this crap that is going on, josh is moving this comming friday.
he has to be one of the most amazing people ive ever met. always has a smile on his face, and he does everything he can to make people around him happy. i dont know what i am going to do without josh ):
i feel so empty and so alone. life is so difficult ryt now.
and one of the worste parts is that marc doesnt care about me anymore...at all
he is so happy without me. he never even ONCE said, Meriya i am sorry for hurting you.
not once :(

God help me.

After all is said and done, i am the only one who ends up hurt. everyone else goes on in life with a smile, even marc. not me. im left with agony, depression and heartbreak. i feel so alone sometimes. everytime i think about him i just want to actually die to escape the pain. i keep thinking why did this happen. and then i guess its because marc started to hate me. ive been doing really stupid things latley and thinking really stupid thoughts. im only getting myself into deeper shit tho. i have a feeling this is going to take a very long time to get over and that doesnt help my mood.
i pray to god that he help me forget about marc. and then i start crying again.
i cant ever control myself from crying, everywhere i go it all just comes out. i feel so embaressed.
i wish god had the power to erase or help forget.
i wish god had the power to go back in time and help marc decide not to cheat on me.
i wish MARC really loved me. but since he really didnt
i wish I wouldnt have beleived his lies. dear god please help me. i need you right now because i am dead inside. please help bring me back to life. please help me to be happy again.

Couldnt do it if i wanted to..........

What if i deleted every single one of my friends from michigan off of myspace....
I just have been starting to feel so stupid and pathetic, with missing them so much. i feel like i think about them to much. its making me hopelessly miserable and not only that but they've all pretty much moved on and forgotten about me. They have new friends that have filled my place. but this is good. i suppose..
I mean, im definatley happy in south carolina.!!! but theres this huge.....hole in me.
sometimes in my mind im still living in michigan when im talking to my friends and then i snap back into reality and it hurts.
i never thought i would leave so soon. then on one random day my dad got a call for this amazing job in florida...within a month i was gone. right now it feels like a big bleeding cut that wont freaking HEAL!


i feel like if i deleted everyone then maybe id forget about them and i wouldnt feel so stupid or feel that pain anymore.
but i just dont think i could do that........ :( :(

I Never know what to write for a title!!.......O.O

just got home from school., and hangin out with josh. hes finally dating miranda whoo hoo. :D i hope it works out. today was.....frusterating....-.- but for some reason im feeling alright now. i guess. untill i think about how much my mom makes me mad. >.> ugh i dont even want to go there. its just arguing over a lost cause!! and it just makes me even more angry. ive been trying the thing where you count to ten when your angry. it kinda works when i actually remember to stop and start counting. valentines day was really fun :] it was the first v-day where i felt like i actually had a valentine. xP and i got a teddy bear! i Also got to see RENT live and wow that was so fun. so im still having trouble with the whole being depressed and grouchy thing sometimes...and it really sucks. i wish i really knew how to change it. things havent been that bad though. ive actually been doing pretty good latley. really trying to get my grades up. i just wish there wasnt such a thing as homework tho! lol i still miss tyler every now and then. which in a way is kinda good because i dont want to forget about him :/ the tv woke me up playing one of our old songs the other day and it made me sad. :[ but idk. im just really glad were still friends and i mean, thats all i want. still think about ramon to... i feel sad to have to let go of my friends in MI and i obviously really dont want to. Erin is starting to give up on me,... i can tell. but lucas told her that just because im not there anymore doesnt mean were not still and always will be best friends. i told her that to but she doesnt listen.... it makes me sad to have to loose my friends., they just mean so much to me. I was thinking the other day about how you can never depend on anybody, except for yourself. thats when i was upset, and i kinda believe its true sometimes. depending on somebody whether it be a friend or a boyfriend, or a family member just sets you up to get let down. like there not always going to be there right by your side, to hold you up. idk..... THIS is a video i took from my cell of the play RENT. its one of my favorite songs in the play. the picture REALLY sucks but i still think its awesome because you can still here the actors singing. its at a part where they are in a circle talking about dealing with aids and when you watch it and listen to it. the song gives you goosebumps.


This one is another one of my definate favs in the play. "La Vie Bohem" you can see where the guy who plays mark slips while he tries to jump up on the table. i was like awww. lol but he was a really awesome actor and a great singer. he totally did a great job.

GAHHHH!

I am at marcs house right now with everyone
(cheyene veronica, marc and his little NOSEY brother) :)
things have been doing pretty okie dokie latley. ive been hanging out with my really awesome friend JOSH alot latley. im really glad that him and i became friends because hes very chill, and hes like a breathe of fresh air.
i am still dating marc yey. hes also pretty fantastic =P
going back to school tomarow......sadly..
school is a big frusteration. but im sure it will pay off in the long run, o.O hopefully...

January

its 2010 yay. iguess lol
just passing time for me basicly. im at marcs house today hanging out for a while waiting for cheyene to wake up...
just felt like adding a quick postive been doig pretty good for the most part latley....; L8R